I think I have decided, or at least I am partly sure, fairly certain, almost definitely convinced and every other contradictory statement possible that I need to draw my Blog to its conclusion. Sadly due to my present state of mind it won't be the conclusion I had once hoped for. Being able to inform you that I have finally achieved my goals, am the epitome of everything gorgeous and feel that not only my physical but my emotional, social and spiritual development are all complete, would be at the very least a gross exaggeration of the truth. In reality I couldn't be further away.
Weight wise I am practically as heavy as the day I began, emotionally I feel depleted, socially I am defunct and spiritually, let's just say that were I to exit this life right now Peter and the pearly gates are not one of the sights I would be taking in for quite some time (during which I would presumably be a guest at the worst kind of B-B-Q). Nothing feels like it should. Not a pretty picture as the title says - think 'Star Wars' scene where the heroes are stuck in a sewage disposal room, the walls are closing in and there's a mighty great man-eating trash maggot lurking beneath the sludge trying to suck them under and drown them in a mire of filth. Well that's analogical of my current mental health. Only I'm no hero, and most definitely not a hottie like Princess Leia.
Chris and I are barely speaking. This in itself is nothing unusual and so isn't directly responsible for my mood......but the fact that he came in last night after being out for the evening with his friends and decided to wake me up by shouting in my face because he'd put his hand in some mayonnaise (which was on a plate I left on the bed).... well that perhaps isn't helping. At 37 years old I am tired of being spoken to like a child, especially by a man who needs me to sort out the simplest of tasks and never has any gratitude in return. And yes this is all extremely one sided and no doubt from his perspective his attitude was justified but that doesn't help me feel any better. And so I'm back to the old chestnut. How much unhappiness are you supposed to endure before you decide that actually you think you're worth more than that? And would life be any better with someone else, or alone? Answers on a postcard please.
I would love to say that I have reached a conclusion, on any of the issues I raised throughout the last nine months of writing, but that would also be a lie. I guess the one conclusion to it all is that there is no one solution. Every situation is different, just as we are. What works for one won't necessarily have the same effect on the next person and happiness is not something you can ever fully achieve on a permanent basis. There are glimpses of it, temporary flashes that burst before your eyes like fireworks in the night reminding you that life is beautiful, even if just for a second. Inevitably though the darkness always returns leaving you with just your recollection of the colours and the sparks and the sounds and smells and the way it made you feel......and that's what you cling to until the next time.
Damn this is morose. Maybe I should try to end with some comedy. Albeit I have come to realise, again through the wonderful medium of bloggery, that what I find amusing is not necessarily amusing to all.
In any case I thank you for having read with me and followed my various exploits. Thank you too for all your comments and feedback which has helped me through some difficult times. Suffice to say I will continue in my quest for slenderness and marital bliss, and should I attain one or other or both I shall most certainly update the Blog, simply to prove to you agnostics and atheists that God does exist and still performs the occasional miracle.
For now though, Aurevoir. x x
Chris and I are barely speaking. This in itself is nothing unusual and so isn't directly responsible for my mood......but the fact that he came in last night after being out for the evening with his friends and decided to wake me up by shouting in my face because he'd put his hand in some mayonnaise (which was on a plate I left on the bed).... well that perhaps isn't helping. At 37 years old I am tired of being spoken to like a child, especially by a man who needs me to sort out the simplest of tasks and never has any gratitude in return. And yes this is all extremely one sided and no doubt from his perspective his attitude was justified but that doesn't help me feel any better. And so I'm back to the old chestnut. How much unhappiness are you supposed to endure before you decide that actually you think you're worth more than that? And would life be any better with someone else, or alone? Answers on a postcard please.
I would love to say that I have reached a conclusion, on any of the issues I raised throughout the last nine months of writing, but that would also be a lie. I guess the one conclusion to it all is that there is no one solution. Every situation is different, just as we are. What works for one won't necessarily have the same effect on the next person and happiness is not something you can ever fully achieve on a permanent basis. There are glimpses of it, temporary flashes that burst before your eyes like fireworks in the night reminding you that life is beautiful, even if just for a second. Inevitably though the darkness always returns leaving you with just your recollection of the colours and the sparks and the sounds and smells and the way it made you feel......and that's what you cling to until the next time.
Damn this is morose. Maybe I should try to end with some comedy. Albeit I have come to realise, again through the wonderful medium of bloggery, that what I find amusing is not necessarily amusing to all.
In any case I thank you for having read with me and followed my various exploits. Thank you too for all your comments and feedback which has helped me through some difficult times. Suffice to say I will continue in my quest for slenderness and marital bliss, and should I attain one or other or both I shall most certainly update the Blog, simply to prove to you agnostics and atheists that God does exist and still performs the occasional miracle.
For now though, Aurevoir. x x
