It's not often lately that I have the time, urge or inclination to post here but this morning the desire hit me like a wave of nausea and I feel an urgency to spew forth my emotional vomit in this metaphorical sick bowl, so to speak. I have said it before but writing, for me, provides a catharsis which thinking alone does not.
On the way in to work I saw several young people, school aged, coupled to their partners, holding hands, smiling adoringly and generally looking like the cares of the world were most certainly no-where near their developing shoulders. It made me nostalgic for the days when a certain smile or look from a boy could literally send me heaven bound and being "asked out" by my latest crush felt better then than I imagine winning the lottery would now. Such simplicity. I then compared this 'phase' to it's spectral opposite - a married couple at work, not employees but rather residents, in their twilight days who have moved in together and occupy the rooms across from one another. Married for something like 57 years, they greet with a kiss each morning, hold hands at the dinner table and speak to one another with such loving concern that my heart skips a beat each time I hear it. And I wonder, how do we get to that.
I know all marriage is flawed and there is no such thing as perfection. However it troubles me that perhaps these couples who manage to navigate through the treacherous landscape of coupledom are somehow gifted in a way that others are not. Have they too had to bridge the many craters created by such impacts as infidelity, illness, financial strain, depression, absence etc. Are they super beings who have overcome in a way that others can't, or is it simply that they were blessed in a way others aren't?
I haven't got the answer of course, but I can't help thinking it may boil down to one essential element. Respect. A small word but with a whole plethora of ramifications if it is missing.
I also wonder whether a huge part may be expectation - a subject I have mentioned before, but which is such a fundamental element of happiness it deserves further comment. Something occured to me yesterday (not often that I have epiphanic moments but there it was). I was putting my make up on (never pleasant because it involves looking at oneself in the mirror for several minutes at a time which invariably leads to self hatred and mockery) anyway I realised that when I look at myself and feel negativity it is usually because in my minds eye I have someone else's face I am comparing it to..... not another naked-hyper-pigmented-had four-children-and-lots-of-stress-battered face, but rather a beautifully decorated, photo-shopped, ten years younger than mine face. This is not a fair comparison and will inevitably lead to much depression and eating of cake. In the same way I feel I compare (you compare, maybe we all compare)our relationships to those that we see around us. What we fail to recongnise always is that these are the "made up" versions. The real marriage is kept safely behind closed doors.
This isn't a new concept. I am constantly reminding myself to be realistic and completely understand that what we see of others is never the genuine article. Furthermore comparisons are futile. Someone has to come off as the lower party and being on either side of that equation is unpleasant.
So it's not a new idea or epiphany - more a gentle reminder to myself. Be grateful, have respect, try not to compare and probably most importantly be forgiving - to myself as well.
