Turn off.  Turn on.

It's the simplest damn solution.  Yet so often when faced with an issue I abandon the fundamental rationale of adhering to this basic principle and instead rush head on in trying to fix, fix, fix.

I'm speaking metaphorically of course.   

This morning I awoke and, in the usual routine of my rock star existance, after feeding the animals, clearing the dishwasher and generally tittivating the place, I decided to put on a wash load.   Thirty minutes later the machine had cut out and all manner of displays were flashing onscreen.  (The fact that washing machines now even have screens on which messages are able to flash is in itself a miracle of the "Tomorrow's World" variety and in hindsight rather than being frustrated I would have served myself better to acknowledge the very wonder of said display and duly bask in amazement).  

I digress.   

After several minutes of irritation and "Googling" the fix, I decided to try the old school method. TURN OFF.  TURN ON.

A dog walk ensued and, to my joy, I returned to find washing cycle complete and all error messages disappeared.  Thank you God/Universe/Higher Power to whom I did drop a quick favour request.

It's the most basic resolution and yet I'm guessing, based solely on anecdotal evidence and absolutely zero research, that 50% of the time it works for the majority of circumstances.

I wish it could be applied to humanity.   To relationships.   To marriage specifically.   Turn off (take a break).  Turn on (reconvene with renewed love).

Emotions, or at least mine, don't turn off so easily.   

It's been four months now since my present husband (note, that makes it sound like there could be more - this is highly doubted) and I split.  Four horribly agonising months of pain, recrimination and hurt.  I don't think we can hold people entirely responsible for breaking the vow, the promises, the dreams.  Many of us utter all manner of ludicrous statements when in the midst of a love or lust flurry.  The older we get however, the promises do hold more significance when abandoned.  Starting again at 51 is not the same as when younger.   We've less time to catch up.   But then we also have less time left for it to even matter.

I've gone through all cycles of emotion - guilt, shame, rejection, anger, acceptance, frustration, irritation, sadness, back to frustration.   Just like the washing machine, with it's multiple contradictory and conflicting flashing errors, I feel the need to turn off.   

The right person doesn't leave.  This message is everywhere.  If they leave then it was never right.  This is the consensus of most podcasts and memes.  Safety and security were perhaps never available with this particular person.  Maybe it's not available with any.   Maybe it is correct that it can only ever come from within.

Yet I believe in team.  Everything is better, easier, more bearable, when shared.   Even your favorite desert or a cup of tea.   

So I am working on turning off.   Turning off from the crazy, mixed up messages of the past.  From my own insanity and disappointment.

And when I do turn back on hopefully I'll manage to complete a full cycle.... for this last portion of life.

x

Do you ever feel?...

Yes Katy Perry, probably several hundred times a day in fact.  Not necessarily like a plastic bag but certainly like a human being adrift from intention and failing to meet the expectations she once supposed.

It occurs to me that perhaps all I ever do is feel.  Lacking the structure to place rationale thinking above this psychotic pharmacy of emotion.

I re-opened this blog just now and was surprised to find (this is potentially an indicator of early onset dementia) that only a year ago I drafted several chapters which have remained unpublished, due to their frank discussion of rather taboo topics.  Reading it back I understand why I am where I am today.  I've had a good life.  But I've also had a bad life.   

I recently learned of a concept called "3 Nil Up".....topical as we currently enjoy/experience/depress-over the Euros.   We do not enter this world equal.  Not financially, not emotionally, not physically.   We arrive with our own set of materials and are then launched in to a life where we are encouraged to measure ourselves against various metrics which destroy us. 

Career, possessions, success (whatever the f* that is), we monitor and gauge ourselves continually.  I struggle to believe any person who states otherwise.  Maybe that's my own arrogance.

The Devil incarnate which is Social Media (don't take me literally....Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg are no doubt wonderfully empathetic individuals)   now hugely facilitates the other evil of life, comparison.   A state upon which neither party ever comes out on top.  Supremacy or self flagellation - terrible bed mates /road trip companions.

We arrive on earth and depending upon our arrival point we are either several goals ahead, at a draw or seriously losing.  

What I have realised, for myself, is that  the very thing which brings me the greatest pleasure and accomplishment can also induce the greatest shame and dissatisfaction.  The dichotomy is crucifying at times.

As I face in to the end of another marriage (could there be a pattern.....do you think the pattern may be me?!!!) I am stunned at the consistency of life.   The knowledge that all is cyclical.  Unless it is just I.  Maybe some of us wondrous folk (the happy FaceBook/Instagrammers) manage an upward trajectory.  For me, it seems like a never ending circle.

Whether I am spiraling up or down has yet to be determined.  Fingers crossed there's a spot of yeast in there somewhere.

Rise Up x