Do you ever feel?...

Yes Katy Perry, probably several hundred times a day in fact.  Not necessarily like a plastic bag but certainly like a human being adrift from intention and failing to meet the expectations she once supposed.

It occurs to me that perhaps all I ever do is feel.  Lacking the structure to place rationale thinking above this psychotic pharmacy of emotion.

I re-opened this blog just now and was surprised to find (this is potentially an indicator of early onset dementia) that only a year ago I drafted several chapters which have remained unpublished, due to their frank discussion of rather taboo topics.  Reading it back I understand why I am where I am today.  I've had a good life.  But I've also had a bad life.   

I recently learned of a concept called "3 Nil Up".....topical as we currently enjoy/experience/depress-over the Euros.   We do not enter this world equal.  Not financially, not emotionally, not physically.   We arrive with our own set of materials and are then launched in to a life where we are encouraged to measure ourselves against various metrics which destroy us. 

Career, possessions, success (whatever the f* that is), we monitor and gauge ourselves continually.  I struggle to believe any person who states otherwise.  Maybe that's my own arrogance.

The Devil incarnate which is Social Media (don't take me literally....Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg are no doubt wonderfully empathetic individuals)   now hugely facilitates the other evil of life, comparison.   A state upon which neither party ever comes out on top.  Supremacy or self flagellation - terrible bed mates /road trip companions.

We arrive on earth and depending upon our arrival point we are either several goals ahead, at a draw or seriously losing.  

What I have realised, for myself, is that  the very thing which brings me the greatest pleasure and accomplishment can also induce the greatest shame and dissatisfaction.  The dichotomy is crucifying at times.

As I face in to the end of another marriage (could there be a pattern.....do you think the pattern may be me?!!!) I am stunned at the consistency of life.   The knowledge that all is cyclical.  Unless it is just I.  Maybe some of us wondrous folk (the happy FaceBook/Instagrammers) manage an upward trajectory.  For me, it seems like a never ending circle.

Whether I am spiraling up or down has yet to be determined.  Fingers crossed there's a spot of yeast in there somewhere.

Rise Up x