Yesterday on accessing my Yahoo account I noticed the article "Ten Surprising Signs that Someone Fancies You". Now, I know I am a married woman; well worn, definitely post prime and borderline out of date, but still (I thought) wouldn't it be nice to try and ascertain the potential plethora of would-be lovers all secretly swooning at the very sight of Moi. Of course there was always the possibility that I would instead realise that absolutely no-one, other than perhaps Chris and the manky Bar Man I met a few weeks ago, fancied me at all, but it was worth the risk.
So read it I did:-
Sign Number 1 - Making fun of you in public
Sign Number 2 - Pushing, shoving or hitting you
hmmmm, just two points in and I am beginning to wonder whether I haven't in fact opened the 10 signs of domestic abuse article by mistake. Hitting, pinching, smacking, biting, mocking, and pushing around may have indicated a crush back in primary school but at age 36 a whack in the face followed by the words "you fat heffer" would more likely end up in assault charges as opposed to a date. Maybe I'm just being old fashioned.
Sign Number 3 - Not offering to pay for your share of the bill
apparently this would be far too eager and therefore give the game away. So, rather than appearing keen, they prefer to allow you to think they are selfish, tight and thoughtless......proof that men have absolutely no understanding of what women want (but we already knew that didn't we).
Sign Number 4 - Barely acknowledging your presence
ahhhhhh, so Chris really does fancy me then. I just thought it was mandatory for all husbands to behave in this way.
Sign Number 5 - Pretending to fancy your friends
So anyone who appears to fancy your friend actually fancies you, and anyone who appears to fancy you must fancy your friend......this formula only works if there are two of you. Once the group is larger than that there's no telling who the hell he really fancies. And what if he actually does fancy your friend? This strikes me as a dangerous method of measuring a man's interest in you and likely to end in disappointment.
Sign Number 6 - He gets his friends to flirt with you.
a) this is serioulsy voyeuristic and twisted and b) will cause major confusion to your friend who by rights his friend should now fancy according to sign 5. It is at this point that everything becomes so complicated you feel the need to gain a degree in the art of dating and decide to become a recluse member of Match.com.
Sign Number 7 - Hiding from you and avoiding your Company
And now I realise where all my Bambi worshippers are.....hiding of course.
Personally I think that this seems more a sign of someone who really DOESN'T fancy you, know you or even care that you exist; alternatively someone who fancies you but hides sounds worryingly like a stalker.....who could at this moment be snuggled down in your wheely bin.
I can't actually remember what signs 8, 9 or 10 were, but probably some equally unconvincing suggestions like "emigrates to Australia without you", "marries his childhood sweetheart" or "embarks on a homesexual relationship with boss".
In a nutshell if he hurls abuse at you in the office, never offers to buy you a drink down the pub, flirts with the girl on the next desk and avoids making conversation unless it's absolutely essential, then it's safe to say he's besotted with you. Get yourself a strong rope and 5ml of rohipnol and he is all yours.
Suddenly I'm relieved to be married and able to face the fact that my days of receiving wolf whistles and flirtatious toots of horns are well and truly gone. Along with my waist.
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