Those of you who love a spot of comedy may have heard of a comedian by the name of John Bishop.....he is, in my humble opinion, fantastic and performs a short but perfectly formed monologue on the irony of the term "sleep over". Ironic because it involves everything but. As he would say; call it cry, scream, whine, whinge, fall-out, complain, demand, or moan over but not sleep for sleep rarely happens at these most feared of social get togethers.
Last night I had a house full of seven year old girls, Charlotte having celebrated her birthday today. Previously I had only been privvy to "stink" overs or "fight" overs and even a few "wet the bed overs" with friends of the boys, which in hind sight were tame in comparison to the female version. After only three hours we'd had tears, tantrums, fall outs, conciliatory cuddles, nose-bleeds, split lips and an elbow to the eye (kind of like a typical Friday night between Chris and I).
By midnight I was suffering from a severe case of clenched buttock syndrome, and by one thirty a.m. I decided enough was enough and sent Chris downstairs to where they were sleeping with strict instructions to use "the voice". I'm sure you all remember that voice which your friend's Dad used when you had pushed it a bit too far....that 'I can't believe my fool of a wife has allowed you bunch of delinquents to stay over and thus deprive me of my basic human need to rest, so just want you all to understand that regardless of what the law says, I have a slipper and I'm not afraid to use it' voice which basically made you cack your pants and do exactly what he said.
Two minutes later they were all sound asleep. Bliss. Until seven a.m. this morning that is when I was greeted by four little girls in day-glo 80's throwback apparel leaping around my bedroom singing through their nostrills with staged american accents. Hannah Montana has a lot to answer for!
I can't really blame anyone but myself however for the ridiculous way I have strung out this birthday weekend.....first a swim party on Saturday, which in true law of sodden luck fashion managed to lose the swim part (I'll explain in a moment), then the gathering last night, and finally a trip to Alton Towers today - anyone would think I was loaded. Thank heavens I don't know any Jehovah's Witnesses whom I am guessing would be completely disgusted with this level of indulgent celebration of one's child and her existence upon this planet. As it happens Alton Towers is a compensatory gesture because of the disastrous events connected with Oakengates Leisure Centre, or crapsville as it shall now be known.
After me being uncharacteristically organised and booking the event seven weeks ago, they called me one hour and forty minutes before it was due to start to say that the pool was unuseable. Had the explanation been something dramatic like a cadaver lodged in the drains or a shark infested pool I may have been fairly understanding. As it happens the excuse was simply too much chlorine in the water. Now, unless I am mistaken, chlorine doesn't have legs and can't actually dive off a board and enter the water by itself, so some fool must have physically put it there. The staff's attitude however was as if it were a natural disaster; something over which they had absolutely no control and were therefore unremorseful for the inconvenience. That really peed me off.
What also peed me off is the fact that the deputy manager was too unintelligent to realise saying "well you can have a free party next week" didn't in fact make any sense because he wasn't offering me a re-embursement, simply a a postponement. If I have paid for something and I now have to wait an extra week to get it that doesn't suddenly make it free now does it??!! Moron. Thankfully I am a superbitch and managed to moan sufficiently to get an entire refund, the use of the party room at no cost (worth £30) and a member of staff to come supervise the party games. Still I feel underscompensated considering the stress I felt at having to organise everything at a moments notice. Not to mention Charlotte's tears.
But I am not so self absorbed that I can't keep my perspective and understand that in the grand scheme of events this is fairly insignificant. Noone's dead, sick or injured after all. Although it was pretty close considering how angry I was with the staff, who incidentally had known there was a problem for several hours before contacting me. It's times like these I wished we were more like America, where customer service actually means something.
So you can probably imagine that it's not been the greatest of weekends, although I did go for lunch at a friend's yesterday afternoon and had a brilliant time. There are some people in life who make you feel so good and are just amazing to be around. These pair are exactly that. We came away commenting on how much we loved their company and how we wished we could spend more of our time in that way. So thankyou my gorgeous lovelies....you know who you are.
The husband did actually say that he thought Chris and I were great too....great for a laugh, not with but at, and that we should hire ourselves out. I agree. Chris and I should offer our services at parties where the attendees are experiencing shaky marital status. One night with us and I'm guessing most couples would leave thanking the Lord for their partner and feeling entirely grateful that their marriage is so far removed from ours!!
And just for my Jerry Springer moment, you know how I like to conclude with some poignant thought for the day. At church this week we looked at the scripture "man cannot live by bread alone".....probably one of the most quoted verses there are. Two things struck me; firstly, how impressive it was that the prophets understood even way back then that a diet high in carbs was bad for you (Dr Atkins you rock) and secondly why God couldn't also have added "man cannot live by sex alone, nor should he obsess about it 24/7 and in fact will not die if he never has it again so stop with the nagging already". But then God wouldn't say that would he?? Because he isn't American.
Or is he??
By midnight I was suffering from a severe case of clenched buttock syndrome, and by one thirty a.m. I decided enough was enough and sent Chris downstairs to where they were sleeping with strict instructions to use "the voice". I'm sure you all remember that voice which your friend's Dad used when you had pushed it a bit too far....that 'I can't believe my fool of a wife has allowed you bunch of delinquents to stay over and thus deprive me of my basic human need to rest, so just want you all to understand that regardless of what the law says, I have a slipper and I'm not afraid to use it' voice which basically made you cack your pants and do exactly what he said.
Two minutes later they were all sound asleep. Bliss. Until seven a.m. this morning that is when I was greeted by four little girls in day-glo 80's throwback apparel leaping around my bedroom singing through their nostrills with staged american accents. Hannah Montana has a lot to answer for!
I can't really blame anyone but myself however for the ridiculous way I have strung out this birthday weekend.....first a swim party on Saturday, which in true law of sodden luck fashion managed to lose the swim part (I'll explain in a moment), then the gathering last night, and finally a trip to Alton Towers today - anyone would think I was loaded. Thank heavens I don't know any Jehovah's Witnesses whom I am guessing would be completely disgusted with this level of indulgent celebration of one's child and her existence upon this planet. As it happens Alton Towers is a compensatory gesture because of the disastrous events connected with Oakengates Leisure Centre, or crapsville as it shall now be known.
After me being uncharacteristically organised and booking the event seven weeks ago, they called me one hour and forty minutes before it was due to start to say that the pool was unuseable. Had the explanation been something dramatic like a cadaver lodged in the drains or a shark infested pool I may have been fairly understanding. As it happens the excuse was simply too much chlorine in the water. Now, unless I am mistaken, chlorine doesn't have legs and can't actually dive off a board and enter the water by itself, so some fool must have physically put it there. The staff's attitude however was as if it were a natural disaster; something over which they had absolutely no control and were therefore unremorseful for the inconvenience. That really peed me off.
What also peed me off is the fact that the deputy manager was too unintelligent to realise saying "well you can have a free party next week" didn't in fact make any sense because he wasn't offering me a re-embursement, simply a a postponement. If I have paid for something and I now have to wait an extra week to get it that doesn't suddenly make it free now does it??!! Moron. Thankfully I am a superbitch and managed to moan sufficiently to get an entire refund, the use of the party room at no cost (worth £30) and a member of staff to come supervise the party games. Still I feel underscompensated considering the stress I felt at having to organise everything at a moments notice. Not to mention Charlotte's tears.
But I am not so self absorbed that I can't keep my perspective and understand that in the grand scheme of events this is fairly insignificant. Noone's dead, sick or injured after all. Although it was pretty close considering how angry I was with the staff, who incidentally had known there was a problem for several hours before contacting me. It's times like these I wished we were more like America, where customer service actually means something.
So you can probably imagine that it's not been the greatest of weekends, although I did go for lunch at a friend's yesterday afternoon and had a brilliant time. There are some people in life who make you feel so good and are just amazing to be around. These pair are exactly that. We came away commenting on how much we loved their company and how we wished we could spend more of our time in that way. So thankyou my gorgeous lovelies....you know who you are.
The husband did actually say that he thought Chris and I were great too....great for a laugh, not with but at, and that we should hire ourselves out. I agree. Chris and I should offer our services at parties where the attendees are experiencing shaky marital status. One night with us and I'm guessing most couples would leave thanking the Lord for their partner and feeling entirely grateful that their marriage is so far removed from ours!!
And just for my Jerry Springer moment, you know how I like to conclude with some poignant thought for the day. At church this week we looked at the scripture "man cannot live by bread alone".....probably one of the most quoted verses there are. Two things struck me; firstly, how impressive it was that the prophets understood even way back then that a diet high in carbs was bad for you (Dr Atkins you rock) and secondly why God couldn't also have added "man cannot live by sex alone, nor should he obsess about it 24/7 and in fact will not die if he never has it again so stop with the nagging already". But then God wouldn't say that would he?? Because he isn't American.
Or is he??
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