Under pressure.

I had a realisation today.  Not quite an epiphany just more a coming to terms with what I guess I already knew but deliberately fail to acknowledge; my constant need for a distraction.  I permanently need something hovering in the background, floating in front (usually just out of reach) or secreted off to the side of my imagination to help me get through the humdrum melancholy I feel when faced with my life.   At times it's been the anticipation of a holiday, other times a crush, a new car, a new house, a new job, a new baby, a new me - the idea of reinventing myself via weight loss or radical fitness regimes, and even this blog in a way has become my fantasy world, full of possibility and far removed from the stark reality of the here and now.

Lately I've been allowing myself to wander off in to these fantasies with increased regularity and consequently I believe I am losing my grasp on common sense.  The trouble is, now I have told myself that it has to stop and I need to get my head down and focus on what is real, I feel incredibly depressed.  And there is no excuse for that either.  I was examining my life on the way to school this afternoon, thinking of the children, our home, the many wonderful blessings I have and once again felt ashamed that it doesn't satisfy me.  And I'm guessing if I read back on all my blog entries this is nothing new either.

What must it be like to live a life free of guilt, remorse, regret and longing??  Is there anyone out there who knows?

Anyway I'm not in any mood for lary banter or comedy.  Perhaps it's just the pressure of the looming exams finally getting to me and breaking my spirits.....it is a huge worry and I am terrified that a) I will fail one of them, or b) I will pass and still not find the type of job I need. 

That simply cannot happen. 

And I apologise that this is so downbeat and not even remotely entertaining but I did say the purpose of  this blog is to present a candid reflection of my day to day emotion - this is just how I feel today.  No worries though, my emotions are, thankfully, incredibly fickle and no doubt by tomorrow I shall be hitting a high.

Time for a binge fest me thinks.