Stalling

Tomorrow is the second of my five exams and once again I sit before you completely unprepared.  All today I have been acutely aware of the need to revise yet have stalled and stalled procrastinating my efforts without really  understanding why.  I appreciate that I hate audit principles, which to me are literally the language of Satan, but why I cannot seem to knuckle down and do some work is beyond me.   Anyone else suffer from this inability-to-face-the-inevitable syndrome?  A kind of masochistic tendency which causes me to delay and therefore prolong the agony.  Like putting of going to the loo.

First thing this morning I decided that, rather than studying, a jaunt up the Wrekin would be more productive.  Called on my trusted friend to accompany me along with her mutt Penny (I am sure she is infact a pedigree but to me all dogs are inbreds who should be humanely destroyed).  Anyway we reached the top in a reasonable amount of time, then I in my widsom and continual search for new experiences, suggested we take an alternative route back.   Yes I am sure you can see the potential disaster looming already.  We spoke to a gentleman who was resting at the monument (for those non-shropshire-ites this stands at the 'mountains' summit) enquiring of him directions for our escapade.  He informed us that if we continued straight ahead we would eventually come to the "Yew Tree" at which point there was a crossroads where left would take you approximately two miles along to reach 'Halfway House'  and right would take you to 'the Range Road' either one leading back to the foot of the hill.  "What exactly is the 'Range Road" I asked, "just a name I like to call the road by and incidentally the route you are taking is really steep and you need to be careful because my aunt's uncle's boyfriend's sister fell down the blah blah blah blah" by this point I had lost interest and was struggling to make sense of his information,  but in true British, and may I also add slightly male, style I pretended I got it, said thanks and off we went.  Joanne, my companion, assuming full confidence in me.

So we walked.

And walked.

And walked.

An hour later we had passed a thousand and one trees, none of which I could identify as a Yew, but then the only tree I can confidently name is "christmas tree".  Science and Geography  being one of the subjects at school which I avoided at all costs, not least of all because the teacher was a perv.  That's a bit harsh actually.  Doesn't every school aged child think each of their teachers has some depraved habit or other, if it's not pervert, it's sadist, child beater, transexual or drug user (not that I am categorising any of the aforementioned as depraved habits, don't sue me!)  .  Teachers's get a rough deal generally.  Only yesterday my eldest was telling me about one at his school who 'apparently' is a former cage-fighter turned obese, with a mechanical larynx.   Hmmm.

Getting back to our walk.  Eventually we hit a road and had a coin tossing moment deciding which direction to go in.  I have always been taught that in the event of becoming lost, right is usually right (as in correct).  Under scrutiny this formula does not hold up, especially if the place you are trying to get to is on your left.  Which in this instance it was.  Luckily we made the right, I mean correct decision.  Two miles or so later we reached a farm and managed to ask the occupants for further directions and guidance.  Left to the village of Little Wenlock then left back to the Wrekin he told us, once again validating my point that right is only ever really going to be right fifty percent of the time.

Finally three hours after we set off, and about eight miles later, we arrived at our destination.  At times like this I can understand the merit of having mobiles with built in GPS.  Although a basic sense of direction may have sufficed.  If Corrinna had been with us it would never have happened....I sometimes wonder if she isn't an undercover member of the Elite Forces just disguised as a Cycle Proficiency Instructor.  Unlike Joanne and I who  wouldn't even qualify as toilet cleaners for the T.A's.

I should add at this point that throughout the majority of our 'missing in action' period Chris and I were conducting a text argument, resulting in, yet again, divorce.  He was furious that I had gotten myself lost and therefore wouldn't have the car back in time to take it to the garage.  Nothing urgent of course but still, I had inconvenienced him which is an absolute no no.  When I informed him we were lost his response was "lost where?".  Funnily enough my darling I don't know - the clue is in the word LOST.  Did he offer to come find me?  My knight in shining, albeit smashed up, Cougar???  No.  Just whined at me about how inconsiderate I was.

And this is my life.  Perhaps I live in fantasy land but wouldn't it be wonderful to have a husband (or wife, like I've said before in this new age of the noughties I am open to ideas) who loves you simply for who you are, the body you live in, how you see the world and the way you live within it.   I feel as though the last fifteen years of my existence have been handed over to the 'other half' of me, working in a dead end job whilst he studied for a degree, bearing his four children to the real detriment of my body and soul,  raising those kids whilst he worked through long hours and weekends to gain promotion after promotion, carrying the family when he took a job abroad leaving me single for most of each week, then finally collapsing and dying (almost) on us, resulting in me having to bear now almost every burden that we face.  All of that I could handle if I felt appreciated and respected.  But I don't.  Of course I know he has carried me at times also.  There have been phases of our marriage when I was literally mental and wreking havoc but unfortunately that doesn't make today feel any better.

I'm sure we all have the same issues.  Marriage is the refiners fire after all, and I do firmly believe that the only way to achieve perfection is to live through it!  Some days though it just burns too hot.

Finally I should probably mention why I am not at work.  Turns out on the Wednesday just before I left for DLP the University pulled the plug on the hospitality budget allotted to fund my contract.  Consequently we are now officially broke.  In addition our tennants have served notice meaning that as of mid March I've got another £500 quid a month to find.   I am seriously tempted to suggest to Chris that he enters the male porn industry.  Thus killing two birds with one stone.

Right then ladies, and any gentlemen if you're reading, I really must crack on and study some for this exam.  I've just managed to stall another fourty five minutes doing this and the temptation to leave it until the train journey tomorrow morning is becoming more and more compelling.  I need to go and give myself a good talking to.

Again, fingers crossed for me please.

x x