Had a really good work out today and feel that the improvement to my fitness is clearly measurable. Whereas before I would jog a mile and practically throw up, I have actually reached the point now of being able to talk as I go and am almost enjoying it. When talking is involved in an activity it immediately becomes 100% more attractive to me which is why I tend to talk during most things - much to Chris's frustration. Alarmingly for the majority of today's jog I was alone yet still managing to hold a conversation, which confirms to me that one or two of my screws need tightening.
Our original intention (Corrinna and I) was to go for a brisk walk up the Wrekin. However plans changed and we ended up visiting a friend of ours whom, as I have mentioned in a previous post, has recently suffered the death of her child. Whatever negativity or self pity I was feeling before the visit vanished the moment I saw her. Although heavy laden by this terrible burden of loss she is managing to continue to be a resounding example of strength, courage and hope. Admittedly I can see that (physically) the grief is taking it's toll; she seemed so very tired, yet not once have I heard her complain or ask why this has happened. I know her heart is breaking and her pain is immense yet she does not appear to be angry or vengeful about it. So many others would put the blame at God's feet and turn their grief in to something far worse. I think that I'd be one of them. But she isn't, and I am proud of her for that.
Before Chris got ill I often pondered whether my faith could hold up in the face of adversity. It's so easy to trust in God whilst life is simple and sweet. When Chris got ill I initially felt as faithful and devoted to God as ever before, if not more so, probably because I desperately needed the strength He provides. Over time though I have allowed the mundane futility of our situation to eat away at my commitment to living life in the way I know I should. Sometimes I just feel so tired of it all. Tired of struggling and watching others struggle, tired of seeing so much cruelty and suffering in the world. Tired of feeling so damn useless to help anyone. Seeing my friend and her faithful acceptance of this awful situation has made me realise that I must reconsider my position....and soon.
.......as time was short after our visit, Corrinna and I simply did a half hour walk together then went our separate ways. I jogged for a while by myself (I was about 3 miles from home at this point), stopped off at Staples to purchase a diary and a roll of clear laminate covering, then continued my journey back with the diary stuffed down my top and the roll in hand ready to swipe any sex pests lurking in the bushes. Thankfully there were none. I had some pretty shocking underwear on which could have been really embarrassing. (I know, I shouldn't joke about such matters - wearing bad underwear is simply not funny).
I have to say that tonight I am feeling a million times more positive about life, running, relationships etc. I have concluded that as life is potentially over so quickly it isn't worth wasting it doing the things which serve no purpose and lead nowhere, or nowhere good at least. Worry, regret, self loathing - all completely soul destroying. What is important, I feel, is working hard, serving others and loving those around me, better. I am sincerely going to try and address my weaknesses, develop my strengths and try to improve, not just my physical self but the Bambi who resides inside.
Right then.....off to go do some loving service for Chris, if that's what you can call it.
Very moving. Very uplifting. Very good. Thankyou. Keep it up.
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